it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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