the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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