Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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