Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need moral support for this bender
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
