I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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