Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
