You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
