Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
