my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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