Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize