My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
