can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
