Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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