there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
