I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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