we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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