Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
