The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
