last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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