My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you had me at cake vodka
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
