I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
