my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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