I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
