It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize