its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
