My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
