My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
