atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
