so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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