My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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