Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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