Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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