i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
