Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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