I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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