I just pynch a tree in the face
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
