I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What happened to fro yo and sex?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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