Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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