She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
They are going to name an STD after you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
