24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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