It's like God shit irony all over that family
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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