I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
