I think I won the penis lottery.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
