dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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