I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
