She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
