$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
