I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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