i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
