Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
