3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
