Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
