i just snorted my name. best moment ever
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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