after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
