I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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