Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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