We won't sleep together?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
